ERs, Fearful Prayer, and Kesleigh

100_0600I’ve been learning a few things over the past couple of days. We had to bring Kesleigh, our 4 week old baby girl, into Houston to the Texas Children’s Hospital last night. She’s was already on antibiotics and was running a fever of 101.5. By the time we got to the hospital, it was 103.1. Scary. . .they rushed her in to a doctor and began the process. I hate emergency rooms, ’cause I hate waiting in them – this time we didn’t wait, but it was still worse than any other time I’ve been in one. (I’d rather have had to wait ’cause that means it would have been a more minor thing.) Anyway, I had a moment last night, and a few times throughout the day today where God seemed to be speaking to me. He has been showing me over and over, that there’s nothing I can do. I’m her father. I’m supposed to cherish her, and protect her, and lead her, and keep her safe. But I’m no good – the bottom line is that I can’t do anything. Prayer is all I’ve got. God is all I’ve got. Ultimately, it’s completely in God’s hands. I trust Him and have tried to do so throughout my Christian life, but it never gets easier. Trusting Him with my baby girl?!?! That’s too precious. I don’t think I can do it. I can’t let go of her. I’m responsible. I’m her father. I’m supposed to protect her. I confess. I’ve probably held on too tightly to both she and my son Kasen. Maybe this whole experience is something God is gonna use to remind me that they’re really better off in His hands than mine anyway. He’s the one with all the power to actually do something. What can I offer? Ultimately, very little. . . . Unless I’m praying. Then I’m offering Him. Then I’m offering power. . . ultimate power. . . healing power. . .redemptive power!!

OK so now, we’re waiting. Kesleigh has had blood, urine, and even spinal fluid drawn. They are keeping her temperature down with tylenol and we’re waiting . . . 48 hrs for the tests to come back. We’re 24 hrs in and the cultures are all negative so far. (Thank you God!) Another 24 with clear cultures, and a few hours with no temp without tylenol and we might be on our way home tomorrow. That’s our hope. That’s our prayer. . . . I’m scared to even type this. . . .but I have to. . . . can I do it? . . . .

I trust You God and I know that You know my heart in this, but I’m also smart enough to know that I don’t know everything. My prayers might not be what’s best for Kesleigh. Or maybe You just want to use her situation to glorify Yourself in some other way. . . so God. . . . with fear and trembling. . . and faith . . . I’m praying for You to do whatever You want to do with her. I’m gonna do my best to trust and to stand by You no matter what the outcome. I’m placing her in Your hands. She is truly Yours anyway and I know she’s better off with You. Help me to understand my role and to be the father that You’re calling me to be. Help me to truly represent You to her. AMEN.

PS – I wish I could communicate the number of tears shed in praying that prayer – in letting go of my baby – and the truth is, even with my tears and all my sincerity, I know there’s more “letting go” to do. I’m still holding on. Maybe this is a good first step though?

6 thoughts on “ERs, Fearful Prayer, and Kesleigh

  1. Jimmie McGary

    Steve rest asured that God is truly in control. He knows the desires of your heart and feels your anguish. God loves you and your family and will be with you always. Jimmie

  2. Todd Baker

    I lift up my eyes to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

    Psalm 121:1-2

  3. Ronnie Gibbs

    Steve –

    I am humbled by your words and prayer brother! You minister to me even in one of your toughest times. Know we all here are praying for you and yours. May God grant you the stregth to remain weak.

    We love you!
    Ronnie

  4. Kelly Davidson

    I’m still praying for her Steve. I know somewhat how you feel. Brett and Deana were each hospitalized at about 3 months old with high fever’s. I remember the helpless feeling… they seemed too tiny to fight. But unlike you, I didn’t know the Lord. I had nothing to stand on. With Brett I didn’t know the Lord at all, and with Deana, I had only… Read More recently reazlied that I needed the Lord – but I was so new in my faith walk that I barely understood the concept of prayer. I’m glad you have your faith to stand on – you are a better father because of it. I’m praying too! Give your family a hug for me!

  5. Joni McGary Frazier

    One of the hardest things in life is waiting and knowing that you can’t help your child. Steve, God has his protective hands on your precious Kesleigh and your family. You ALL are in our continued prayers.

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