A Vision in the Night

OK – I’m not even sure where to begin this one. If you’ve been reading this blog much, you already know that I’ve been feeling called to being a part of a church plant one day. I was talking to my father-in-law, Mike Mathews Saturday, Jan 20th! He is my greatest supporter. He wants to see me involved in planting probably more than anyone else I know (including my bride – his daughter). His excitement is contagious and he really believes in me. When we talk about it, I feel like I’m the one trying to be realistic (This is odd for me ’cause inside, I’m going crazy with excitement too.) and attempting to keep my feet on the ground. Of course some of that is natural – I mean, I’m the one going to have to come to a place where I’m willing to let go of a steady paycheck to risk chasing after what God has called me to. I think I have a healthy fear of it all, but regardless, I’m the one with my feet on the ground when I talk to him. I’m also not interested in being involved in a huge church. I’d be truly happy with a small little church that functioned in healthy ways. A church that transformed people and equipped them to go out and do ministry. A church that plants other churches/ministries. A church that was small enough that I could serve part-time and keep my feet in the culture a bit too with another part-time job. Anyway, when we talked that day, he made some flippant comment about me being known all over the country for what we’re gonna do with this church thing. I told him that was definitely not what I wanted. I’d much rather serve quietly among a healthy little community of people. I feel like I could handle that kind of thing – and it’s certainly a big enough stretch for my faith. He dropped it.

Well, on Sunday night, I had a dream. What follows is what I wrote at 2:30am when I woke up unable to sleep.

I just woke up from a horrible dream. I’m not sure what it
really was or means, but this is what I remember:

I was with a bunch of guys working on a project in some sort
of big mechanical warehouse/plant. We had been working on the project and left
the room, but I went back around the corner to see it from a distance and it
was gone. There was a flat world in its place with a bright light eminating
from it. There was also a deep sense of emptiness, loss – the project was just
gone, but it was more than that – like God was gone and all our relationships
were gone.

I woke with these feelings rushing through me and with the
lyrics to a song embedded in my head. (It’s a song from the “Once” soundtrack and
the lyrics are “If you want me, satisfy me.” – that phrase repeats
over and over – I guess I need to go listen more carefully to the song.) I woke
up Miranda. She held me and my heart rate began to settle. I spoke verbally
against Satan in the name of Christ and we went to check on Kasen to make sure
he was alright too. We prayed for God’s protection and for good dreams. I
realized that I had a headache and got up to get some Tylenol – now I’m writing
this stuff down.

Here are my first thoughts at interpreting it all – the
project (maybe this idea of a church plant) may have been destroyed because God
wasn’t in it. Maybe the representation of the flat world with light coming from
it was Satan’s false light which made us think the project was of God. The
emptiness I felt – like God was gone, may have really been that very thing – the
feelings that would come to lose your baby (project) and the feelings that
you’d given your life to something that wasn’t of God. I’m wondering also if
the lyrics to the song is God’s way of telling me that the project/dream/vision
isn’t enough – it won’t satisfy Him. He wants more.

Interesting to think that nothing has really been defined
about what this thing would be or become, and He’s possibly telling it needs to
be more. More than what? I must admit that I don’t want a big church – I’ve
always thought true relationships and intimacy and health were more important –
it’s ok to be small if we’re doing what He calls us to. It’s also easier to grab the reins and lead a
small group. In spite of this: God, I do want You and it is my desire to
satisfy You!

It’s now 2:50 and my heart is still racing. Guess I’ll watch
some infomercials/TV and let my mind go elsewhere so that I can get some sleep
tonight.

Wow! That rambles a bit, but hey, it was 2:30am and I was pretty freaked out.

OK. . . now . . . as I look back on the situation, I’m even more confused – is God trying to tell me that a church plant is not going to satisfy Him, or is He telling me that my concept of a church plant isn’t enough? It’s not big enough? I want to be a man of faith who chases lions and gets to the end of life to hear God say, “Well done hyper-hopeful risk-taking servant,” but I also want to be smart. . . realistic. . . content. I mean, truly – I have already been saved. I have more than I could ever need or deserve in Christ alone – not to mention the other ways He’s blessed me. (OK maybe I will mention my bride and son, and family, and friends, and. . .and. . .and. . .) Who am I? I’m no Beniah. Or Moses. Or David. Of course the other side of it is that I am a child of God. I am His representative on earth. And I have been given this measure of faith which seems to make these kinds of steps pretty easily.

If you’re still reading this, pray for me as a wrestle with all this stuff. I truly want to do what He has called me to do, but I’m still in an “investigation posture” right now – trying to discover and discern.

If any of you are dream interpreters, I’d love to hear your thoughts too.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Are you really here or am I dreaming

I can’t tell dreams from truth

For it’s been so long since I have seen you

I can hardly remember your face anymore

When I get really lonely and the distance calls it’s only silence

I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me

when others say I lie

I wonder if you could ever despise me

You know I really try

To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me

and I do what you ask me

If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

2 thoughts on “A Vision in the Night

  1. Mike Mathews

    You left out the most important part…I said that one day you would be known across the U.S. for what you will be doing with churches. You interpreted that I meant “big”, but I didn’t say anything about size. What you left out came after your comment, “But I don’t want that (to be known)” and I said, “That’s why you’re going to be known!!” That changes everything.
    You are scared to death to step out and nobody could blame you, but one day, when the time is right, you will make the move. God has the next 50 years, what about you?

  2. Mike Mathews

    After a good night’s sleep, I have reread your dream. Last night it did not seem as important as what you left of the introduction.
    Today, one thing glares out at me about the dream. It is not the flat world, or the light, or even the absence of everyting dear, but WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE ROOM (project)IN THE FIRST PLACE? When interpreting scripture, I always seem to go to the words that are not so obvious. I guess I am doing it here too. Just a thought. Did you walk away from the project and then everything seemed to disappear? Love you Steve. Have a good day!

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